Nightward
10/19/01 12:35 AM
132.234.250.13
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I think we could all use some levity here...
AUSTRALIA
Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the bottom half of the planet. It is recognisable from orbit because of many unusual features, including what at first looks like an enormous bite taken out of its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge deep into the girting sea. Geologists assure us that this is simply an accident of geomorphology and plate tectonics, but they still call it the "Great Australian Bight", proving that not only are they covering up a more frightening theory, but that they can't spell either.
The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the place. Where other land masses and sovereign lands are classified as either continent, island, or country, Australia is considered all three. Typically, it is unique in this. The second confusing thing about Australia are the animals. They can be divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep.
It is true that of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9 of them. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous arachnids, Australia has all of them. However, there are curiously few snakes, (though those that are there are usually deadly) possibly because the spiders have killed them all. But even the spiders won't go near the sea. Any visitors should be careful to check inside their boots (before putting them on) under toilet seats (before sitting down) and generally everywhere else. A stick is very useful for this task. Strangely, it tends to be the second class of animals (the Odd) that are even more dangerous.
The creature that kills the most people each year is the common Wombat. It is nearly as ridiculous as its name, and spends its life digging holes in the ground, in which it hides. During the night it comes out to eat worms and grubs. The wombat kills people in two ways: First, the animal is indestructible. Digging holes in the hard Australian clay builds muscles that outclass Olympic weightlifters. At night, they often wander the roads. Semi-trailers (Road Trains) have hit them at high speed, with all 9 wheels on one side, and this merely makes them very annoyed. They express this by snorting, glaring, and walking away. Alas, to smaller cars, the wombat becomes an asymmetrical launching pad, with results that can be imagined, but not adequately described. The second way the wombat kills people relates to its burrowing behaviour. If a person happens to put their hand down a Wombat hole, the Wombat will feel the disturbance and think "Ho! My hole is collapsing!" at which it will brace its muscled legs and push up against the roof of its burrow with incredible force, to prevent its collapse. Any unfortunate hand will be crushed, and attempts to withdraw will cause the Wombat to simply bear down harder. The unfortunate will then bleed to death through their crushed hand as the wombat prevents him from seeking assistance.
This is considered the third most embarrassing known way to die, and Australians don't talk about it much.
At this point, we would like to mention the Platypus, estranged relative of the mammal, which has a duck-bill, otter's tail, webbed feet, lays eggs, detects its aquatic prey in the same way as the electric eel, and has venomous barbs attached to its hind legs, thus combining all 'typical' Australian attributes into a single improbable creature.
The final confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants. First, a short history: Some time around 40,000 years ago, some people arrived in boats from the north. They ate all the available food, and lot of them died. The ones that survived learned respect for the balance of nature, man's proper place in the scheme of things, and spiders. They settled in, and spent a lot of the intervening time making up strange stories. Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north. More accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged and stupid people in charge. They tried to plant their crops in Autumn (failing to take account of the reversal of the seasons when moving from the top half of the planet to the bottom), ate all their food, and a lot of them died.
About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever since. It is interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider themselves vastly superior to any other race they encounter, since they can lie, cheat, steal, and litigate (marks of a civilised culture they say) - whereas all the Aboriginals can do is happily survive being left in the middle of a vast red-hot desert, equipped only with a stick.
Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on Extended Holiday and became Australians. The changes are subtle, but deep, caused by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet, where a person can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves to the core of their essence, their reasons for being, and the necessity of checking inside your boots every morning for fatal surprises. They also picked up the most finely tuned sense of irony in the world, and the Aboriginal gift for making up stories. Be warned. There is also the matter of the beaches. Australian beaches are simply the nicest and best in the entire world. Although anyone actually venturing into the sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging jellyfish, Stonefish (a kind of fish which sits on the bottom of the sea, pretends to be a rock, and has venomous barbs sticking out of its back that will kill just from the pain) and surfboarders. However, watching a beach sunset is worth the risk.
As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst, and wombats, you would expect Australians to be a dour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly, cheerful, and always willing to share a kind word with a stranger, unless they are an American. Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they smile disarmingly and look for a stick.
Major engineering feats have been performed with sheets of corrugated iron, string, and mud.
Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the 'Grass is Greener on the other side of the fence¡¦ syndrome, and roundly proclaim that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence. They call the land "Oz", "Godzone" (a verbal contraction of "God's Own Country") and "Best bloody place on earth, bar none, strewth." The irritating thing about this is they may be right. There are some traps for the unsuspecting traveler, though. Do not, under any circumstances, suggest that the beer is imperfect, unless you are comparing it to another kind of Australian beer. Do not wear a Hawaiian shirt. Religion and Politics are safe topics of conversation (Australians don't care too much about either) but Sport is a minefield. The only correct answer to "So, howdya' like our country, eh?" is "Best {insert your own regional swear word here} country in the world!". It is very likely that, on arriving, some cheerful Australians will ¡¥adopt¡¦ you, and on your first night, take you to a pub where Australian Beer is served. Despite the obvious danger, do not refuse. It is a form of initiation rite. You will wake up late the next day with an astonishing hangover, a foul-taste in your mouth, and wearing strange clothes.
Your hosts will usually make sure you get home, and waive off any legal difficulties with "It's his first time in Australia, so we took him to the pub", to which the policeman will sagely nod and close his notebook. Be sure to tell the story of these events to every other Australian you encounter, adding new embellishments at every stage, and noting how strong the beer was. Thus, you will be accepted into this unique culture. Most Australians are now urban dwellers, having discovered the primary use of electricity, which is air-conditioning and refrigerators.
Typical Australian sayings:
„« "G'Day!"
„« "It's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick."
„« "She'll be right."
„« "And down from Kosciusko, where the pine clad ridges raise their torn and rugged battlements on high, where the air is clear is crystal, and the white stars fairly blaze at midnight in the cold and frosty sky. And where, around the overflow, the reed beds sweep and sway to the breezes, and the rolling plains are wide The Man from Snowy River is a household word today, and the stockmen tell the story of his ride."
Tips to Surviving Australia:
„h Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason whatsoever. We mean it.
„h The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you think it is.
„h Always carry a stick.
„h Air-conditioning.
„h Do not attempt to use Australian slang, unless you are a trained linguist and good in a fistfight.
„h Thick socks.
„h Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are people nearby.
„h If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you at all times, or you will die.
„h Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.
See Also: "Deserts: How to die in them", "The Stick: Second most useful thing ever", and "Poisonous and Venomous arachnids, insects, animals, trees, shrubs, fish and sheep of Australia, volumes 1-198, 242"
Well, there you go. A quick note; the one thing that truly annoys us is people who cannot pronounce the name of our great country. It is not 'Awe-stra-leee-ah', but 'Oz-trail-e-ah'.
Much like 'Austria'. Or do you pronounce that 'Awe-streee-ah' too?
;)
Oh, and the bit about Wombats being Australia's most leathal creature? I did some research on that, 'cos I didn't know to much about it either...apparantly, it ranks second only to the 'roos in terms of people that it kills.
The bits about spiders are 100% true. Always check your shoes before you put them on.
"The man who opens his mouth in the presence of a woman does so only to change feet"
-Me.
Yea, verily. Let it be known far and wide that Nightward loathes MW: DA. Indeed, it is with the BURNING ANIMUS OF A THOUSAND SUNS that he doth rage against it with.
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Cypher41
10/19/01 06:20 AM
205.188.200.138
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A while back i was doing some research on poisonous snakes and while i don't remember the exact numbers, Australia seems to be home ot over 50% of them, i.ncluding the most deadly of them. For proof watch Steve Irwin "The Crocodile Hunter", it seems every other show deals with the poisonous denizens of Australia.
Galaxy Commander Barak Marghar
Clan Burrock
Tau Galaxy, SLDF
Mech: Nova Cat A
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Nightward
10/20/01 08:22 PM
203.134.12.8
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Steve Irwin is insane. But very, very good at what he does, and he does it with a passion. I wish everyone could find a job they liked that much.
I watch him sometimes (I know, I know...) and I think I know what it is about him that makes him so...watchable, I guess...
He's in constant motion. This provides a mesmirising effect, therby preventing you from changing the channel.
Oh God, the humanity...
;)
By the way....
I have a few questions:
1. What is it with American tourists? They go overboard, purchasing Drizabone leather coats and Akubra hats in a desperate attempt to 'Fit in with the locals'....who are simply wearing standard western attire. The other thing is...
2. There's a place not too far from where I live, Lamington National Park. It's only 2 or 2 hours drive (in Australia, this is considered 'Fairly Close'), and it's a great place to go for the day. One of the tourist things you can do there is feed the Rainbow Lorikeets (a kind of parrot). The idea is this; you put some seed in your hand and hold your arm out. If you're lucky, a bird will decide it's hungry enough to sit on a human to get fed. One young American girl lured one out of the trees..and when it landed on her arm, she dropped the seed and tried to pat it. It bit her. "Ow! Why is it biting me?". Hmmmmm....Gee, duh....
I saw three other people do the same thing that day.
Oh, and one other thing: if you do come down here and go into the Rainforests, *STAY ON THE PATHS*. A group of tourists (again, American) decided to wander off into the scrub....
And came back covered in leeches. We warned them that would happen, but...
As we packed up to go home, another group of tourists (this time, German) stumbled, bleeding, out of the scrub cursing the Leeches.
Oh, well....
"The man who opens his mouth in the presence of a woman does so only to change feet"
-Me.
Yea, verily. Let it be known far and wide that Nightward loathes MW: DA. Indeed, it is with the BURNING ANIMUS OF A THOUSAND SUNS that he doth rage against it with.
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SoyBigHead
10/20/01 11:00 PM
24.7.190.124
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are you trying to kill this americans desire to eventually visit australia? lol...well at least i come from fla., like the only place in the continental U.S. that could be vaguely compared to australia...
"no one, ever has the time, to listen to me, see right thru me, this is getting hard to face no one ever sees me fall, and no one cares at all, this will only make you strong" River City High, "No One Cares"
"There are three types of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics."
-Mark Twain
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Black_Phoenix
10/21/01 09:23 AM
207.252.105.89
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New motto for Florida: "The state with only 2 seasons. Wet and Humid." :D
*There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved by a suitable application of Diplomacy, Compromise, and High Explosives or Tactical Nuclear Strikes.*
History is much like an endless waltz. The three beats of war, peace and revolution continue on forever.
-Gundam Wing: Endless Waltz
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Greyslayer
10/22/01 03:09 PM
137.172.211.9
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Brisbane has about 3-4 generic seasons .... the its not that hot but man we weren't meant to breathe water (humidity). Southern states actually can have hotter top temperatures during summer, but few southerners can actually stand the humidity up here even on milder days (hence the reason why our beaches are so inviting). Another type is the STAY AWAY FROM METAL season ... end of winter the humidity is very very low combined with a dry wind coming over the Great Dividing Range from the west. Then there is the weather during much of autumn and spring which happens to be my favourite times of the year.
Other poisonous creatures not mentioned:
- Ticks ... yes we have lots of these little mongrels and they can kill people (albiet unlikely) with their toxins.
- Cane Toads ... they have been known to spit poison into a person's eye and kill dogs that develope a taste for them. Crows being the most cunning creatures on the planet have learned in quick time to flip canetoads on their backs and gut them that way thus avoiding the poison sacks.
- Blue-ringed Octopus ... its not blue until its pissed off so do NOT handle any octopus unless you have pissed it off first! This does kill.
- Coneshells ... same area as the blue-ringed octopus, supposed evolution theorists believe when we evolved from fish (or from the water anyway) we kept the critical weakness to the poison contained in this shell and it has been proven it has the exact same effect on fish as it does on humans .... very deadly indeed.
- Scorpions ... just like everywhere else, they fight spiders for bootspace.
- Magpies ... no they are not poisonous but they rate a mention. During november some magpies become very 'protective' (in other words some remember little morons or kids stirring them up and when the magpies have young of their own they swoop people taking out eyes and leaving gashes in the tops of heads and so on). If they think you are looking at them they will not attack. Of course its not the little boy's fault for stirring up the magpie in the first place (sarcasm).
Just like most countries though... we are each unique in our weather and animal-life.
Greyslayer
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SoyBigHead
10/22/01 06:31 PM
24.7.190.124
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In reply to:
- Magpies ... no they are not poisonous but they rate a mention. During november some magpies become very 'protective' (in other words some remember little morons or kids stirring them up and when the magpies have young of their own they swoop people taking out eyes and leaving gashes in the tops of heads and so on). If they think you are looking at them they will not attack. Of course its not the little boy's fault for stirring up the magpie in the first place (sarcasm).
something like this happened to my father when i lived in orlando, although it wasnt a magpie, but was rather a mockingbird, and he did not do it on purpose; he was just trimming the hedges. also, you guys are talking bout scorpians/spiders in your boots? hehhehe see in fla, we get scorpians (YES florida has scorpians, though mostly they live in attics), spiders (black widows... quite deadly yeouch), and snakes (ive heard it quite bluntly from a forest ranger that he once had a coral snake in his boots, if i remember correctly). Also, I left out the alligators and crocs, but of course you Aussies know about them, i mean Steve Irwin and all 
then there are the sharks and jellyfish but you beat us on both counts {great white, and the box jelly, respectively, tho the latter being far more deadly). Anything I missed? lol
"no one, ever has the time, to listen to me, see right thru me, this is getting hard to face no one ever sees me fall, and no one cares at all, this will only make you strong" River City High, "No One Cares"
"There are three types of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics."
-Mark Twain
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Nightward
10/22/01 10:57 PM
132.234.250.13
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Well, here in Brisbane, we are home to a spider that makes all of your Black Widows, Wolfs, etc seem like..err...toys, I guess...
It's called the "Daddy Long Legs" I have no idea what the scientific name for this beastie is, but man...It's seriuosly the deadliest critter on the face of the planet.
In typical fashion, however, its fangs cannot pierce human flesh! Ha! Evolution works in wonderful ways...
Other than that, check out Australia's Red-Back and Funnel-Web spiders. Vicious, vicious things...After they bite you, you've got 1/2 hour, tops, to get antivenime for it-and that's if you're a full-grown, health adult. Kids usually go into toxic shock before they make it to hospital.
One critter Scotty forgot was the Box Jellyfish. They are like Portugese Man 'O Wars, only deadlier. They have tendrils that can run for upwards of 5 meters, and when they hit you...odds are you'll go into cardiac arrest before you can swim back to the beach. Vinegar neutralises the poisons. Perhaps that Loki dude from Twighlight of the Clans should have used their venom....
However, basic caution will serve you well Down Under. Check your boots before you put them on, check under toilet seats before you sit down, wear at least thongs (sandals) at all times, and never put your hands into a place you cannot see.
Other than that...
Have fun!
"The man who opens his mouth in the presence of a woman does so only to change feet"
-Me.
Yea, verily. Let it be known far and wide that Nightward loathes MW: DA. Indeed, it is with the BURNING ANIMUS OF A THOUSAND SUNS that he doth rage against it with.
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Nightward
10/22/01 11:09 PM
132.234.250.13
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*&*^ing mosquitos. *NEVER*, and I repeat, *NEVER* go into the Far North Queensland tropics without *REALLY GOOD* mozzie repellant.
In Australia, it's even more dangerous...we have a disease called Ross River Fever which will lay you out for half a year. Literally. Fatigue, cramps, sweating, the list is endless. And just to make it *MORE* fun, it causes Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.
Hmmmmmm.....maybe Australia is more dangerous than I thought....
"The man who opens his mouth in the presence of a woman does so only to change feet"
-Me.
Yea, verily. Let it be known far and wide that Nightward loathes MW: DA. Indeed, it is with the BURNING ANIMUS OF A THOUSAND SUNS that he doth rage against it with.
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Bob_Richter
10/23/01 12:58 AM
134.121.149.97
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Got those in Washington state too...
...I understand they're not TECHNICALLY spiders though...
...hm.
-Bob Richter
A dead primate is nobody's ancestor.
-Bob (The Magnificent) Richter
Assertions made in this post are the humble opinion of Bob.
They are not necessarily statements of fact or decrees from God Himself, unless explicitly and seriously stated to be so.
:)
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DireWolf
10/25/01 03:19 PM
213.8.223.141
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And no amount of solid lead bugspray seems to help...lol
-Private LeV "Dire Wolf" Arris, IDF.
"Fight hard for what you believe in. Because if you do not, you will wake up one day and realize that there is nothing left for you to believe."
-Lt. Lev (Res. Inf.) "Dire Wolf" Arris, IDF.
"What is it like fighting the Wolf ? Imagine a lightning with legs, an earthquake with arms, a catastrophe with genius or just pure hell on wheels".
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