Nightward
12/11/02 10:42 PM
211.26.1.167
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This is a bunch of E-Mails I have recieved over time. I think they are all pretty funny; however, be warned that the language in some of them is a bit coarse. Enjoy, and if you have any other good stuff, add it!
TRUE QUOTES OF INDUHVIDUALS
"That really burns my craw!"
"Don't bite the gift horse."
"That makes the hair on the back of my neck really stick in my craw."
"Never screw a gift-horse in the mouth."
"He's trying to pull the buffalo over our eyes."
"I've got a real beef to grind with that guy."
"A penny saved is worth two in the bush."
"He opened up that can of worms, let him swim in them."
"I don't know about him, but it's completely win-win for me."
"I don't want to put all my monkeys in one barrel."
"Please don't leave me out with the wolves to dry!"
"I have ears like a hawk."
"We don't want to go at it like a wild bull in Chinatown."
"We shoot ourselves in the wrong feet sometimes."
"You gotta walk with your pants on."
"Layoffs are extremely difficult for all of us -- especially those at risk of losing their jobs."
"We better cover our ass and put it on their heads."
At a meeting, my director wanted to bring up an off-the-point topic. To preface his remark he said, "I don't want to open up a red herring here." When I told him that I was going to write that down and submit it to you, he said, "You're a piece of cake, Bob."
"Sometimes you've just got to grab the cow by the tail and face the music."
"I don't know what else I can do...my shoes are tied."
"Sounds like we're swimming an uphill battle."
"Get on with the bandwagon, or get out of the pot."
"You're opening a complete can of Pandora's worms there."
"Don't cry wolf until it's soup...and it's not soup yet."
"Our product will eat the pants off the competition!"
"Utopia? What's that, a country?"
"Let's all corrugate over here to view the artist's contraception of our new building."
"If you're sick, you'd better not come in. I don't want you to start an academic."
AIRPORT IDIOCY
The combination of a massive increase in airport security and a serious drop-off in the number of dangerous hijackers has forced airport security to invent their own criminals. Ordinary, non-murdering people with toenail clippers and staplers are being harassed, making most trips to the airport tortuous interrogations. With up to four slow moving lines and four opportunities to have a stranger paw through your suitcase, it’s now almost faster to take a skateboard than fly. Checkpoints are so strict with what you have to run through the X-ray machine that they’ve turned into a place where hundreds of half-naked people are trying to grab their own stuff out of a huge pile of recently irradiated plastic baskets. The following are true stories of recent airline security retardation. However, we’ve gone further than point fingers and laugh. Each of the reports features a “How to Prevent this Type of Stupidity in the Future” section describing novel and inventive ways future generations can be spared from our insane combination of paranoia and idiocy.
GI Joe: Real American Arms Smuggler
Judy Powell, a 55-year-old British tourist, was bringing a GI Joe doll that she’d purchased from a Las Vegas gift shop home to her grandson. But before you say, “That sounds like a very sweet lady,” you should know this: The toy was smuggling a two-inch plastic rifle inside her luggage. Luckily, the crack squad of security agents at Los Angeles International Airport were able to discover the conspiracy and detain the woman and her tiny accomplice. According to her, they “examined the toy as if it was going to shoot them” and then confiscated his gun.
Disarming our nation’s bravest action hero is not going to save any lives except those of GI Joe’s enemies, miniature toy communists. The only way this grandmother could have done any damage would be if the plane was piloted by a baby and she somehow outsmarted it enough to get the choking hazard into its mouth. This is possible, but at least unlikely. Of course, they can’t take any chances after the recent incident involving an elderly woman who tied up a plane full of passengers with Stretch Armstrong and stormed the cockpit with a Johnny Astro.
Airline security agent is the only job where you can tell your boss that you stole part of a little kid’s present from his grandma and get a medal. There are people mopping bodily fluids off a bathroom floor that would lose their job for something HALF that stupid. GI Joe now has to fight the Red Menace with his canteen and teeth, and a spokesman for the airport is practically bragging about it: “We have instructions to confiscate anything that looks like a weapon or a replica. If GI Joe was carrying a replica, then it had to be taken from him.” I’m sure he then proposed a policy that would lobotomize all Lex Luthor action figures in an effort to keep his dangerous criminal intellect from endangering aircraft. I’d like to think he then slipped on a banana peel.
How to Prevent this Type of Stupidity in the Future:
In a perfect world, our safety would be in the hands of agents who could tell the difference between a real gun and a tiny, nonworking toy gun through simple clues. For example, noticing that one of them is two inches long and being held by a little army man. It makes sense that people shouldn’t be allowed to bring realistic fake guns on a plane, but the only hostages stupid enough to be taken with a rifle-shaped toothpick would be a plane full of airline security agents. “I represent the Middle-Aged Female People’s Republic, and I now have control of this plane! And before any of you try anything funny, I’d like to direct your attention to this Armalite rifle I’m pinching between my pinky and thumb. If you’re still not convinced, this Taco Bell Fun Meal contains several other weapons such as fire-breathing dinosaurs and Skeletor’s mighty Power Scepter!”
For Our Safety, Woman Drinks Own Breast Milk
At Kennedy Airport, a security guard stopped a woman carrying a baby. When he searched her bags he found three bottles of her own breast milk and forced her to drink from them. It was part of a policy that allowed security to force passengers to drink any “beverage” they had with them. This isn’t the first time their policy of making people drink all the fluids in their suitcase has backfired. A few months ago, a fourteen year old boy was bringing home a jar of pond water for a science project and airport security made him take a sip. He turned out to be telling the truth, that he in fact was not a fourteen-year-old terrorist water smuggler, and he got giardia a few days later. This helped prove that ingestion is not the safest way to test the danger of things. Most of us learned at a very young age that when trying to discover what something is, putting it in your mouth should be the last step in your research. Plus, this type of test would only work if security agents themselves were doing the tasting. I’m sure terrorists are quivering that our checkpoints might make them pretend their terror liquid is delicious coffee before they take over a plane. It’s pretty obvious that no one smuggling dangerous liquids on board is going to tell you that they’re drinking dangerous liquids. They might turn bright red and launch smoke out of their ears making teapot sounds after drinking it, but if airport security agents were trained to pick up subtle body language like that, fourteen-year-old kids wouldn’t be sitting at home with amoebic dysentery.
How to Prevent this Type of Stupidity in the Future:
If it makes our lives safer to have passengers drink anything they have in a jar, why not have them eat all their suspicious items? “Are these toenail clippers, sir? For safety reasons, you’re going to need to swallow them. And take a bite out of that hairbrush.” Maybe I’d be a bad soldier against terrorism, but if a woman carrying a baby and three jars of a mysterious milky substance were to come through a checkpoint I was guarding, I’d search my memory to see if I could think of any milky liquids that might sometimes be associated with babies. And if I was slow and the woman told me it was her breast milk, the last thing I would ever do is make her drink it in front of me. Gross. Besides, I know that anyone with an oversized super-mind capable of creating plane-destroying breast milk could easily install an atomic robot stomach in themselves. Forcing them to drink explosive milk would do no harm and only allow them to spit incredible fireballs. Perhaps because of this, most airlines have since changed their policy. Now the only thing passengers are forced to drink... is freedom.
Disaster Averted: Boomerang Champion Arrested
A female boomerang champion, Betsylew Ross Miale-Gix, faces criminal charges after she was caught with several boomerangs at an airport checkpoint. When the screener noted that her deadly weapons were not allowed on the plane, she became enraged, started cursing and grabbed her bag from him. While she was detained by authorities for breaching the peace, she was kind enough not to annihilate the entire security force with her boomerangs. The woman was the secretary of the U.S. Boomerang Association. And while I admit that a boomerang is probably the crappiest killing device you could have inside the confines of a plane, I’d still like to think the secretary of the U.S. Boomerang Association would be a valuable ally to have in case of a hijacking. The worst case scenario is that all these years of competitive boomeranging were really just an Al Qaeda trick to gain our trust so she could one day sneak a boomerang on board a plane. Big deal. If she were to throw it at you, the passenger next to you could just pick it up and throw it right back while you rubbed the bump on your head. Assuming she was boomerang-proof, it would still take two to three weeks to take over a plane that way.
How to Prevent this Type of Stupidity in the Future:
On September 11th, the terrorists took over the plane with box cutters. This is never going to work again. The next person who tries to take 200 hostages with anything less than a bazooka is going to end up stuffed in an airplane toilet with the American spirit’s boot buried in his ass. Airports are openly mocking us when they take away our combs, nail files or boomerangs. Here’s a good way to test the deadliness of an item: Imagine you’re holding it and a gorilla bursts into the room. Now decide whether to hold on to it or fight with your bare hands. If you have to think about it, it’s not deadly. Instead of taking away toiletries from innocent travelers, we ought to take every citizen in groups of 200 into gymnasiums. Then, while they’re trying to figure out what’s going on, we have a guy come in and try to take them all hostage with a fork. If they let him, those 200 people are no longer allowed to fly on planes.
WHAT TO DO WITH JUNK MAIL
Give this a go....
When you get junk mail for credit cards, 2nd mortgages and anything else, most of it comes with reply paid envelopes, right?
Well, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail by putting it in these cool little envelopes! Send an ad for your local lawn mowing service to ComBank. Or take-away menus to AMP. If you put heavier stuff in there, the more it costs them - you know, tin lids, cigarette butts or any other stuff you can think of.
You can even return the envelopes empty just to keep 'em guessing!
Just make sure your name isn't on anything you send.
Eventually the banks and insurance companies will begin getting all their crap back in the mail and best of all, THEY'RE paying for it.
Twice.
If you feel like it, send this to a friend or two or three...or fifty.
CUSTOMER SERVICE SURVEY
Thank you for purchasing a McDonnel Douglas Military Aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take the time to fill out the Warranty Registration Form below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but will help us to develop future products that will better meet your needs and desires.
1.
[ ] Mr.
[ ] Ms.
[ ] Mrs.
[ ] Lt.
[ ] Gen.
[ ] Comrade
[ ] Classified
First Name: …………………………………………………………………..
Surname: ……………………………………………………………………..
Codename: ……………………………………………………………………
Password (Max 8 Characters): ………………………………………………..
Latitude/Longitude/Altitude: …………………………………………………
2. What type of aircraft did you purchase?
[ ] F-14 Tomcat
[ ] F-15 Eagle
[ ] F-117 Stealth
[ ] Classified
3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): ……………………………………..
4. Serial Number: …………………………………………………………….
5. Please indicate how the aircraft was purchased:
[ ] Received as part of Gift/Aid package
[ ] Catalogue/Showroom
[ ] Independent Arms Broker
[ ] Mail Order
[ ] Discount Store
[ ] Government Surplus
[ ] Classified
6. Please indicate how you became aware of our products:
[ ] Heard loud noise; looked up
[ ] Store Display
[ ] Espionage
[ ] Recommended by Friend/Ally
[ ] Political lobbying by Manufacturer
[ ] Was attacked by one
7. Please indicate the three (3) factors which most influenced your decision to purchase our product:
[ ] Style/Appearance
[ ] Speed/Maneuverability
[ ] Price/Value
[ ] Comfort/Convenience
[ ] Recommended by Salesperson
[ ] McDonnel Douglas Reputation
[ ] Advanced weapons systems
[ ] Kickback/Bribe/Backroom Politics
[ ] Negative experience facing one in combat
8. Please indicate where the aircraft will be used:
[ ] Iraq
[ ] North America
[ ] Iraq
[ ] Aircraft Carrier
[ ] Iraq
[ ] Europe
[ ] Iraq
[ ] Middle East (*NOT* Iraq)
[ ] Iraq
[ ] Africa
[ ] Iraq
[ ] Asia/Far East
[ ] Iraq
[ ] Miscellaneous Third-World Countries
[ ] Iraq
[ ] Classified
[ ] Iraq
9. Please indicate the products you already own or intend to purchase in the near future:
[ ] Colour TV
[ ] VCR
[ ] DVD Player
[ ] CD Player
[ ] Home Computer
[ ] BMW
[ ] Air-to-Air Missiles
[ ] Space Shuttle
[ ] Killer Satelite
[ ] Thermonuclear Warhead
10. Please indicate the description(s) that best fit your organisation:
[ ] American
[ ] Communist
[ ] Crazed
[ ] Terrorist
[ ] Neutral
[ ] Democratic
[ ] Dictatorship
[ ] Corrupt
[ ] Primitive/Tribal
11. How did you pay for your purchase:
[ ] Deficit Spending
[ ] Cash
[ ] Suitcases of Narcotics
[ ] Oil Revenues
[ ] Personal Cheque/Credit Card
[ ] Traveller’s Cheques
[ ] Ransom Monies
[ ] Classified
12. Your occupation is:
[ ] Homemaker
[ ] Sales/Marketing
[ ] Clerical
[ ] Middle Management
[ ] Mercenary
[ ] Tyrant
[ ] Eccentric Billionaire
[ ] Defence Minister/General
[ ] Student
[ ] Retired
[ ] Classified
13. To aid us in better understanding our customers, please indicate the activities you enjoy participating in during your spare time:
[ ] Golf
[ ] Boating/Sailing
[ ] Gardening
[ ] Arts/Crafts
[ ] Wines/Drinking
[ ] Collectables
[ ] Fashion Clothing
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Household Pet Care
[ ] Defaulting on Loans
[ ] Propaganda/Misinformation
[ ] Destabilisation/Overthrow
[ ] Espionage
[ ] Border ‘Disputes’
[ ] Crushing Rebellions
[ ] Interrogation/Torture
[ ] Executing P.O.W.s
[ ] Mutually Assured Destruction
[ ] Classified
Thank you for taking the time to fill out this registration form. All of your answers are confidential, and will be used to aid our marketing department to better serve you, the customer-as well as enabling you to receive mail-outs and special offers from other arms companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia. As a bonus for answering this survey, you are now part of our ‘Desert Thunder’ Sweepstakes to win a new F-117A Stealth!
MANAGING DEAD HORSES
The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that, "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount." However, in modern government (also in other industries as I've noticed), a whole range of far more advanced strategies are often employed such as:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing Riders.
3. Threatening the horse with termination.
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.
6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
7. Reclassifying the dead horse as "living impaired."
8. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
9. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase the speed.
10. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.
11. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.
12. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead, and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
13. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.
14. (And most likely) Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory or managerial position.
GUNG-HO GURKHAS
At a recent get-together there was some sort of discussion on the Ghurkas (the Nepalise elite soldiers deployed by the British just about everywhere  . The discussion was actually on the fact that there are apparently Ghurkas from other countries (India, etc) but this is about the 'real' Nepalise ones. They are considered the best soldiers in the world (ie. Infantry, there's no point bringing special forces into it), and are tough as nails. I'm reading the biography of Neil Davis, a Tasmanian who spent most of his life as a war correspondent and cameraman in Asia. He came to be widely regarded as probably the best war cameraman ever, was massively respected across the globe, and was eventually killed in a piddly coup in Bangkok in 1985. Anyway, while he was covering the war in Borneo, he spent a lot of time with the Ghurkas. The Ghurkas are not trained in paratrooping but due to the problems of moving through jungle the British command wanted to be able to insert them into hotspots from air. So the Brits asked the Ghurkas whether if the need arose, the Ghurkas would be willing to jump from a C130 Hercules into battle against the Indonesians (being untrained, it was within their rights to refuse). Now, the Ghurkas are generally quick to agree to just about anything but on this occasion refused outright. The next morning, however, having discussed it amongst themselves, the Ghurkas returned to the commanders and said they were willing to jump if certain conditions were met. "Okay, what are they," the commander asked. The Ghurkas told him they would jump if the ground was marshy or soft, as they had no training in falling. The second condition was that there were no rocky outcrops in the landing area. The third condition was that the plane must fly slowly and at a height of no more than 100ft (30 metres, about 1.5 times Kangaroo Point). The British officer said that they would be jumping over jungle and there were few rocky outcrops, so there was unlikely to be a problem with that, and the aircraft always flies as slowly as possible when dropping soldiers. But jumping at a hundred feet would be impossible, as there would be no time for parachutes to open. "Oh, that's alright, then!" The Ghurkas replied. "We'll jump with parachutes anywhere. You didn't mention parachutes before!"
Quantum Physics Summarised - By Dave Barry Point One: Whatever you think about anything is wrong. Point Two: There is no such thing as Point One. You THINK there is a Point One, but that just shows what a physics moron you are.
CHAIN LETTERS
Hello, my name is Negative 13 Girl. I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, extreme stress, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not forwarding out 50 billion [censored] chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, then that poor 6 year old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her off to the traveling freak show.
Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send "his" email to $1000? How stupid are you? Ooooh, lookyhere! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every Playboy model
in the magazine! What a bunch of bullshit!!
So basically, this message is a big [censored] YOU to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by Jesus in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2002, it'll be in the Guinness Book of World
Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity.
[censored] them.
If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times. I don't [censored] care.
Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it's your own unpopularity.
THE FOUR BASIC TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS:
Chain Letter Type 1:
(scroll down)
Make a wish!!!
No, really, go on and make one!!!
Oh please, Anna Kournikova will never go out with you!!!
Wish something else!!!
Not that, you pervert!!
Is your finger getting tired yet?
STOP!!!!
Wasn't that fun?
Hope you made a great wish
Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and thrown off a high building into a pile of manure.
It's true! Because, THIS letter isn't like all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!! Really!!! Here's how it goes:
*Send this to 1 person: One person will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
*Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
*Send this to 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter, and may form a plot on your life.
*Send this to 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter and will napalm your house.
Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!
Chain Letter Type 2
Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents, and no goats. This little boy's life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless Goatless Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. Oh, and remember, we have absolutely no way of counting the emails sent and this is all a complete load of bullshit. So go on, reach out. Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder - if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly.
Thanks again!!
Chain Letter Type 3
Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as many sad pricks with nothing better to do. So this is how it works:
Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you like:
*Bizarre Horror Story #1
Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of excrement, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died. This Could Happen To You!!!
*Bizarre Horror Story #2
Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way). They both died and went to hell and were cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity. This Could Happen To You Too!!!
Remember, you could end up just like Pinsley and Bip. Just send this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be okay.
Chain Letter Type 4:
As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one of your friends.
Friends
-A friend is someone who is always at your side
-A friend is someone who likes you even though you stink of [censored], and your breath smells like you've been eating cat food
-A friend is someone who likes you even though you're as ugly as a hat full of arseholes
-A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself
-A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your sad, sad life
-A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really thinks you should be raped by mad goats, then thrown to vicious dogs
-A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet, vacuums and then gets the cheque and leaves and doesn't speak much English... -no, sorry that's the cleaning lady
-A friend is not someone who sends you chain letters because he wants his wish of being rich to come true.
Now pass this on! If you don't, you'll never have sex ever again.
_________________________________________________________
The point being?
If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shag-less or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it.
If it's funny, send it on.
Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth, who's been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years, whose only Saviour is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this mail, otherwise you'll end up like Miranda. Right?
Now forward this to everyone you know otherwise you'll find all your knickers missing tomorrow morning.
Yea, verily. Let it be known far and wide that Nightward loathes MW: DA. Indeed, it is with the BURNING ANIMUS OF A THOUSAND SUNS that he doth rage against it with.
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